we always stay up late,
This is true, if for no other reason than I have insomnia. Truth be told, my nightmares have increased. I have, since a young age, had nightmares. My therapist called them a sort of flashback or reliving the past. At any rate, they are happening more frequently and being a normal, functioning human, is getting very difficult.
I was tempted to go to a mental health provider, but dissuaded by my friends and family. My friends told me they couldn’t help me, since I am just reliving trauma, short of drugging me into a stupor. (Which they quickly added they would help me do for free, I might add) My family recounted how many times I tried to receive services, real help, therapy …like behavioural therapy or talk therapy…and instead recieved a quick diagnosis (always different mind you) and about 5 or 6 scripts for heavy anti-psychotics…and how the meds never helped. My lover refused to speak to me the whole time I tried to talk about it…even shunned my touch.
In case you can’t tell, I live in a bubble of people that have seen me try and fail numerous times, with the help of "professionals", to get over the trauma of my childhood. They are very supportive of who I am, undrugged, eccentric to a fault, and even a bit mad. They prefer me this way, they say at least. However, when I get one of my episodes of sadness or insomnia like of late, they get upset at me. When I try the logical, mainstream way of healing, I get more chastisement. Admitting you need help from a "professional" is tantamount to giving up the ghost of your own free will.
Instead, I must find unconventional means which so far haven’t been working. Religion used to be a comfort of mine, but those days are long since past I fear. Say what you will, but the placebo effect is strong and works well when you believe hard enough. Unfortunately, that spell has been broken for me. I have no placebos, no comforts, no place to find solace…not even in my lovers arms do I find comfort anymore. The world is a big, dark, scary, and lonely place now as it was when I was a child.
Normally, my mental health deteriorates after an event of sadness, but of late only events of joy have really been in place. I am to help with my best friends wedding. I have been canning on a regular basis. I went dress shopping the other day. It’s so rare for me, but I do love when I go…even if it is just window shopping. Having a reason to dress up is so wonderful.
The only sadness is that of one of my girlfriends. Her husband had an affair. I was trying to be there for her. Put her up at my pad, got her into a local job and college. Everything was going swimming, then suddenly she turned on me. Blamed me for her sadness, though to be honest she had every reason to be sad about her husband…but that wasn’t my fault. She left, in a huff, back to the man that was leaving her for days at a time to be with his girlfriend. I really loved this woman. I wanted her to feel the freedom I felt. The independence of going out there and doing it. The joy of knowing you can handle it. I guess she wasn’t ready.
Her days here brought up a lot of old emotions from my marriage. My partner died in 2015, but we were already divorced. I remember her arguments with her husband, and they were so similar to the arguments my partner and I had. I was reliving my divorce. I cried nightly about the way that divorce went. What’s worse, I couldn’t even call and talk to my ex for some sort of closure. Those around me started to feel the effects too. They said things like, "Geez this reminds me of your ex. You guys did this crap towards the end." Yeah…and I had to relive that there was no way for me to say sorry now.
IS this because I am grieving…again? Is it because I never got to grieve? I don’t know. I do know though…now, I lay awake for hours wondering…how did my life come to this sum?