How do we grieve?
How do we let go of someone that for at least part of our life was our lover, our friend, our partner, our life?
How do we let go, when everyone in their life stabs your heart?
How do we heal when we are excluded from services?
How do we move on when we never got a chance to say goodbye?
My ex-lover and I remained friends well over a decade after we split. We spoke to each other often, monthly at least, sometimes weekly. We worked together in common goals and supported one another. Then my ex-lover found someone new. It’s not that he was alone for that entire decade. Lovers came and went. He was engaged once. Through it all though, we spoke. We laughed. We worked as a team. We supported one another as friends. However with his last love, he married. I saw the red flags. The exclusion of long time friends and family. He didn’t call as often. His calls were hurried and secret.
“I can only call you while she’s at work.”
“Why? We haven’t been together in years.”
“She’s jealous of everyone.”
It never occurred to me that he could be a victim of domestic violence. He had a temper. He had a strong will. He was a man. SHE was a perpetrator of a unique kind of violence.
More red flags went up, he could no longer see his son, because SHE said so. Then SHE needed a new wardrobe to get a job, so she spent $8,000.00 on my ex-lovers credit card. She took a loan out for 10 grand in his name. Combined in one year she spent more than 3 years of his pay. Friends whispered about the debt, the arguments, the fact that he started to lose weight. No one dared speak what they believed.
Then late at night, more than 4 hours passed when he would normally call, he did. His voice was hoarse. He sounded like he had been crying.
“She want’s me to make her the only beneficiary of my life insurance. She doesn’t even want my son on it.”
“Are you crying?” I asked. Not seeing the obvious, listening to the sound of his voice not the words they spoke and the impact they held.
“Of course not, look I have to go.” Click. That was about 6 months ago.
He committed suicide a week ago. Oh he made it look like an accident. He sped up to a point of no return and crossed over the center line. He did it like he always said he would though…”If I ever get to pick my way out, it will be to crash and burn. He was 17 then…who takes a 17 year old seriously? At 21, “you know motorcycles are just a man’s suicide machine right?” “I wouldn’t want to come back after an accident.”
He gave her everything she wanted. He gave her the clothes, cars, house, and more. He gave her his life insurance policy. He gave her his life. Even in death she isn’t satisfied. She would not even allow someone to speak for him at the memorial. She would not even allow his loved ones to scatter his ashes. She had to have every last piece of dust all for herself. I pray no one ever marries her again, so that they might be able to live.
Here I am, just trying to figure out how to heal, without saying goodbye.