I was accused of selling out my friend/ex to “save myself” from I guess embarrassment, shame, or some sort of emotional repercussion. In what manner, I know not…but I wish to address this. The only mediums I use to talk about my friends or family is either directly to them or via the internet under falsified names and aliases. The person that made these accusations has never been directly referenced by name or even an assumed name on this blog.
In fact, they have been referenced only as vague characters made very two dimensional so as to make them appear unreal. That is to say, unless you are that person knowing very specific phrases spoken or very specific events that transpired, the reader wouldn’t even think it was based on a real life situation. The truth is everything I write about is very real and the people are very real.
I however, maintain a personal policy of keeping those people private by using aliases or writing in such a way it seems it is just a fictional story without names used at all. I do this because, first no one would believe who I was writing about half the time if I did name drop. Second, I hate name droppers. Third, I think it’s the height of self aggrandization at the expense of others to build an audience. Fourth, if I am going to do a tell all piece, it will be a book that TELLS ALL…thought I doubt it would make much money as I haven’t the evidence needed to solidify the past…but it would clear my conscious quite a bit. Fifth…what arrogance to think I need to soil another to do well. Sixth, what exactly would I get from it? I have made ZERO from this blog and in general, I have benefitted very little since my departure from this person’s life from knowing him. I will not say nothing, because I will forever hold the memories, but it’s not like we even talk anymore really.
I have been accused of “not fighting for” this person and “running away”…I don’t run. I do refuse to fight for a man’s affection especially if he claims to want my hand in marriage. I shouldn’t have to share my husband with anyone. I am not an “open marriage” kind of gal. I never have been. I deserve better than that, especially if I was to meet the standards expected of me after the marriage. He wanted to claim I have no self respect? Any woman that would grovel for the honor of being by his side for one more night has no self respect. Nor should I have to fight for his attention from other women. Why would I fight for the affections of someone that claims they love me? Is that really love or desperation? And if he does love me, why on earth would his attention be anywhere but me? I can love a man from 2000 miles away just as well as in his bed, because love is of the heart not the loins. If you love someone, you should be able to control your loins and even your tongue when need be so as not injure them. I didn’t run away. I chose peace.
I chose the peace of knowing my worth, which is not to question my value according to the one human being I pledged to share the rest of my life with until death and even to sacrifice myself for should the need arise. I chose the peace of knowing no disease would befall me due to infidelity. I chose the peace of knowing my children would never call another Mommy while I was still married to their father or be placed in awkward situations with his mistress. I chose the peace of knowing that my body, health, and mental happiness is valuable to my mate, so much so, he is willing to curb his desires to keep me happy. (This goes both ways) I chose the peace of simplifying my life by leaving drama behind.
Oh but, I have no self respect because I chose a poor man. Why do I need a man to support me? He claimed to want an independent strong woman, but when he had one, it damn near broke him. He was right, I didn’t need saved. I never did need to be saved. I wanted to share my life with him, to spend all of my time with him. Time, the only resource you never get more of and you can never spend again. Given that doctors said I wouldn’t be on this earth as long as I HAVE been, that resource is even more precious. Yet, he wouldn’t spend his time with me. How could I have stayed and not devalued myself and thrown my dignity away? How would staying with him have given me self respect?
The “respect” he spoke of is no such thing. It is prestige more properly understood. Standing or respect from others. No self respect would be gained by our union, respect by others. I never craved the respect of faceless others. My family? Yes. My mate? Yes. Yes, even him when he was my mate. I did seek to have him look upon me with approval, but often found that elusive. However, in general standing among the populace, which is what prestige is…NO. I could not care less what the vast majority of the masses believe is worthy of respect, because often the “wisdom” of the crowd is anything but that.
So all of these accusations, in my opinion, are angry twisted opinions foisted on me, because he was scorned…possibly for the first time ever in his life, by a woman that was “beneath” him in her station. He assumed I would be grateful for a life of material luxury, enough, to over look my entire childhood’s training about what makes a good mate, because I lacked basic material needs. (I did honestly. Finances have been a struggle, but it is for everyone isn’t it?) My needs, that I desperately needed at that time more than fancy clothes or cars, was to be shown I was valuable. The most valuable thing to me is time. All he had to do was spend his time with me without being irritated by my every word or lack of words! Yes, he even got angry because I didn’t speak. It’s so simple.
There is literally a world FULL of “gold diggers”, as my son calls them, and when he meets a woman that isn’t, it upsets him! Why? I was a mystery. He didn’t know how to get me to do what he wanted. He didn’t understand the base from which I operated out of, nor where my moral compass pointed. He even admitted he prefers to be around greedy people because they are easier to control. I bet he still doesn’t understand from which point of view I operate. Bless his soul. He wanted to save me from poverty, but miscalculated what my poverty truly was and failed to do so because of that. He wanted to be like the prince in snow white…a kiss and happily ever after snow white wakes up and all is well. She is magically transported from her poor forest dwelling cottage to a castle and lives happily ever after. Except, I like my forest cottage.
I didn’t like how my parents threw me away and I didn’t like how many men that wanted to date me expected me to be “thirsty” for them as the kids call it. I didn’t like having to lower myself for others. I have a real problem with that to this day. I am kind of an asshole about that. It’s a huge sticking point for me to the point I would literally rather die than lower myself to others unless it means I will save an innocents life. Yeah, that serious.
When you spend your life getting stomped on by everyone and treated as worse than the dirt on someone’s shoe because of stupid crap like your biological father isn’t 100% white, you tend to tell people to piss off when they even smell like they want you to be beneath them. I don’t care how much I love someone, I’m selfish like every human, I love myself more. That means, unless I love you a lot and you are about to die if I don’t lower myself…you will get over it if I don’t. I will not capitulate though. I will not devalue myself so that I can marry someone that wants to be with other people, but will pay me handsomely in a very materially wealthy life. How rich are you if you can’t “afford” to spend the night with your fiancé? How rich are you if you can’t have a peaceful home life because of lustful or angry behavior? Richness can be defined in terms of money, but it can also be defined in terms of quality of life like a peaceful relationship with mutual respect and shared goals along with shared expectations of behavior.
All I am saying is this…if I sold him out, it would be front page news and I wouldn’t be making less than 10k a year from a gig job just to make enough to pay the bills that aren’t covered by other employment. I don’t need anyone to get a mate, job, or anything I truly want. I am disgusted that he would think I would use someone in that way, when it should be beyond obvious I have done everything in my power to avoid such behavior and to protect his integrity to this day even though I am starting to wonder why. Furthermore, what arrogance to think I am such a victim to need him for finding a mate. My current husband knew me ages ago and doesn’t give a fig who I dated previously. If anything, he is scared witless I would leave him for my ex since most women would seek out the more financially secure man. That wasn’t my intentions. Hell, I kept my ex a secret until he LITERALLY showed up to announce himself to my current husband and children.
I barely kept my cool with my ex’s less than charming reply to me running enthusiastically to him and calling him by my pet name. My reaction, or rather lack of a violent reaction to my ex’s jerk response, still angers my husband to this day. Because my husband knows I would have been beyond angry if he had done that to me and he also knows I temper my behavior for those I love. He is jealous because he perceived it as I loved my ex more than him, yet here I am still by his side. I love my husband in a different way than my ex. It isn’t better or worse, it’s just different. Once you love someone, you never truly stop. You just learn to live without them. So I couldn’t even hide my feelings in front of my husband when my ex well and truly pissed me off because I still could not be mean to my ex though he deserved it. Oh, but I sold him out and I ran away. Lord help me…lord help me.