In my home I am the only female surrounded by three males. My husband and my two sons also reside here. I am the only one working two jobs. I am the only one with my name on the bills. I am the only one that owns this home. I am responsible for everything and when people do things for or to themselves, I am the only one ever blamed.
My daughter wanted to get married at 17. Later, in revisionist land she said I made her get married. The truth of the mater is I didn’t say no, but I did ask if she was sure before the wedding. That marriage ended in divorce. I was blamed for that as well by the groom who was older than me. How I was responsible for ruining their marriage when my daughter came running to me bloodied and bruised and crying…I don’t know. I only did what any mother would do and offer her a warm place to stay while she figured out what she needed to do.
My other daughter wanted to date a boy. She forced the issue of moving in with him, as a means to force me to agree to let her get married, by threatening suicide. I refused to let her get married. She got pregnant thinking she would then have the right to get married in our state. When that failed, it was my fault she got pregnant. Why? Because I should have known she would get pregnant. Oh, well I guess I should have let her commit suicide then right?
My other daughter, my eldest, has repeatedly blamed me for things I had nothing to do with. I was working full time and going to school full time so she was home with her siblings and father while I earned an income. In my absence, she attacked her siblings. They fought back. They rightfully hate her to this day. Some how this is my fault. Yeah, I wasn’t even there so why don’t they blame the adult that was in charge?
My son is angry because I don’t want him to go to a girls house. He takes a little different tactic in saying that by refusing to allow him to have sex with this girl, he will end up doing it anyway and that will be my fault. Yeah. How it’s my fault what he does with his body parts is beyond me, but whatever.
Just now my husband pulled the same shit. He had a surgery done. He wanted it done for YEARS. It would have cost a fortune before we got health insurance. This surgery was to help his shoulder. I was very supportive of him getting the surgery as I knew it would improve his quality of life drastically. I have done everything in my power to work around his doctor appointments, make sure we had money for all his needs, took on a second job just to pay the bills since he will be unable to work, everything. Tonight he says he never wanted it done. He says I’m the one that made him get it done. Then he back peddled saying that isn’t what he meant.
I’m so done.
A few months ago I spoke about having a suicide note ready. I don’t even know why I made one. These people wouldn’t read it. All I am is a stepping stone for them to excuse their own decisions. I’m not a mom or wife. I’m a scape goat.
For the past few months, even when they see me crying, at my desk exhausted they just go on. They don’t even look up from their computer and phone screens. I am not talked to, I am shouted at. I am talked down to. I am treated like a slave. I am expected to clean, care for children, work two jobs, be everyone’s cook, and so much more. I can’t do it much longer. I can’t talk to anyone. Mental health services are a joke here and more likely to do more harm than good. Besides, it’s not me that is the problem. It’s my shit family. I wonder how they will survive and who they will blame when I am dead.