Tags

, , , , , , , , , , ,

Someone said, “Are you thirsty?” They weren’t asking if I was parched. They were asking if I was thirsting after a certain someone that I bring up in the vaguest terms only in certain circles and usually in person. That term, thirsting for someone, is so lustful. It feels so dirty, like they aren’t even a soul with their own desires and needs. It treats another human like a commodity, in this case a drink, not a person with their own will. I find it abhorrent. My mind wasn’t even thinking of them in such a base way. They’re attractive sure, but I don’t think with my genitals. I know some people do, a lot of people do, but I think with my heart…which is sort of an oxymoron. The only time I think with my genitals at all is when I want a baby. Even then it is…not like most people I guess.

Anyway, the conversation annoyed me. I have many more important things to think about and talk about, even involving this person, and the other person in the conversation wants to know about my sexual desire towards this person. Eeewww. Gross. Why would you want to first of all? Second, can we not have a conversation without trying to talk about sex in this damn country? Third, I wouldn’t tell you even if I was because that’s between me and God…which keeps my thoughts pretty damn clean.

The entire family has been rocked by our elder’s death, we have been working on our car non-stop to try and get to Lucy, we had to empty the bank accounts to have enough money for car parts, gas, and more for the trip, so there goes my month ahead fund, my husband’s brother bailed on us AGAIN, and so much more. It’s been one obstacle after another. Paul and I have been arguing. Why? I am putting our family in “great peril” yet again to save a dumb ass kid of ours that should be old enough to know better because she is older than 21. Being a parent doesn’t stop at 21. I think it should sometimes, but it doesn’t. It’s forever. Especially when the kid might actually have the inability to manage their life for real.

I feel like the entire world is fighting against me, right down to the people in the my house that share the meal time table with me. Do you know how many times I have heard, “We shouldn’t have to do this.” Look, it’s like no one else can see how grave a situation this is or could be for Lucy and they all want to call me an asshole for wanting to do something about it. Like I tell my kids every single time they call me an asshole, “Assholes get shit done.” It’s true literally and figuratively. Okay, potty humor, don’t shoot.

Someone has got to be the bad guy that points out how everyone else is fucking this poor girl over. Someone has got to stand up there and ask the blatantly obvious questions so that even the thickest of heads can see, “Hey maybe this here is a little off.” Unfortunately, that task might just fall to me. I HATE THIS. As much as I hate it, I can’t help but do it. It’s like a race horse, they will run and run until their heart fucking explodes…because they were made for it. I was made for this as much as I hate it. I can’t help it. I just have to be that person that points out the blatant violations and disregard for her life. I am laying in bed thinking of how I can uncover the truth and present it in such a way…what evidence can I find? How can I get this evidence?

I’m angry and rightfully so, and all I can think about is how to alleviate Lucy’s suffering but also make sure this MaryKate never ever gets near my daughter again. I’m seething. Then the person I was talking to wants to bring up thirsting…really? I am thirsty for justice. I am thirsty for my daughter’s freedom. I’m angry. This other person, unfortunately, that all has to be put on the back burner for now. I have to focus on my daughter because this is the emergency.

That of course says nothing of the projects I wanted to do, my work, my housework, the animals, taking care of my actual minor child, my health which has been spiraling ever since I found out about Lucy, the trust promising to pay the attorney and nothing happening, and so much more. If I had plenty of money, I would have an attorney handle 99% of this garbage with Lucy.

That all said, I am continually amazed at the low level of thought and aspirations by people in this world. I want to know love, like true love, the kind they make movies about where you spent a lifetime trying everything else until finally you realized you had the right one all along…and then you get together and live happily ever after. I want to wake up to his tired and baggy eyes, crusted with eye boogies, his chubby belly, his thinning hair and 5 oclock shadow and say “This man is a dream come true,” not because of how he looks, but because of who he is as a person deep with in his soul. I want romance, rose petals, poems, or long walks on the beach. I want nights gazing at the stars and quiet walks on country roads stealing wildflower bouquets from the pastures. I want slow dances in the back yard in his arms. I want video games until 3 am because tomorrow is Saturday and we both don’t have to go to work. I want him to eat the bread from my pizza because I can only eat the cheese (ok this is negotiable, but you get my point). No that is not slang for something to do with sex either! I want someone that balances me completely.

I don’t want arguments about if I should help my children, but having arguments about how best to help them would be better.

How can sex even eqate to a tenth of the joy of such a fulfilling and lovely relationship? Why would I thirst for anything except real love? I don’t have time to think about that though. I have to save my daughter and that must consume my thoughts.

http://www.givesendgo.com/lucy