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blog, family, life, love, relationships
One of my favorite writers on this platform has been missing since the day after my birthday. I just checked and nothing has been written since February 2nd, 2024. This makes me sad and worried. He seemed to be having some problems. His blog is Chaotic Reality and his name is ZaneShoe. Probably not his real name, but still, his writing was raw and authentic. It had a realness to it that many do not. I think he hated my comments, but I felt I should leave them anyway so he knew someone was listening.
I had originally come on here to write about my dream which was very good, but now I have to think carefully about how to state it. There were some explicit scenes that I didn’t want to relay too vulgarly. It started easily enough, some non-descript coffee shop, talking to the man in front of me. In my dream, the face kept changing, kind of like those old toys. One minute I was looking at him and it looked like someone I knew and was very familiar and comfortable with and when I turned away and looked back a stranger’s face was there now. It made me unsettled, so I kept looking down or away to keep this unsettling feeling at bay. This is not too unlike reality in my life until relatively recently.
So I focused on his mannerisms, the sound, and volume of his voice, the tenderness with which he touched my hand, the frequency he reached out, his ability to take control of the situation when I could not, his intentions when reaching out, and in general what he had to say. It was very illustrative for what my mind focuses on. Now, I saw there was one person in front of me, no matter how many faces switched in and out. I could distill the essence of this person’s energy. The energy was nervous but pretended to be confident. It was open to give and take, but apprehensive about my response. He tried to give a cool and distant air, but his actions spoke volumes that he was not cool or distant. I tried in vain to understand why this person would want these pretenses. They frustrated me. I try not to put up pretenses but sometimes fail. I figured his pretenses were there for the exact same reasons mine showed up, to protect my fragile ego. He too had an ego and it was afraid of getting hurt.
He wanted a commitment from me. Some sort of guarantee I would be his when he got around to me and thereafter. He didn’t want to see me with another. Yet, he gave no confirmation in his words to me that he intended to be with me long-term. His energy spoke volumes about wanting a long-term commitment, but his words from his own mouth or hand failed to reach out. This made me feel unsettled. A man that can not commit to speaking his truth, is unsure of his truth.
Every part of me wanted to say yes, except my mind which knew better than to commit to someone who can not even say they want a long-term commitment with you directly to your person. I felt it was unfair for him to ask me to narrow my options to have a child with only him, without him being able to directly ask me for a commitment. As my old Jamaican foster mom used to say, “No ring, no thing!” I am not this hardcore about it, obviously, but there needs to be a real-world, 3D, promise if he wants me to prune my options to him only. Especially this late in my life when there are not many options to begin with, I need some assurances before I go making enemies with potential partners who might be able to give me a child, family, love, joy, and happiness.
I changed the subject. I started to talk about my dreams of motherhood. I felt this was a safe topic. I told him I had really hoped to find someone who would be willing to be a father. Someone that I knew and would welcome a child into their life. I was hinting a little obviously, but he didn’t seem to understand. I explained that I could care for the child myself if needed. The person in front of me seemed to swat that away like a non-issue. It was not a non-issue. It was an offer that was dismissed. In America, that is a huge offer to ignore any financial duties from the father. I had a way to legally do it too, but he never asked about that. I explained I was running out of time and would be looking into a sperm donor soon if I could not find anyone.
The person in front of me seemed to change in his energy. He went back to wanting a commitment of some sort. Why? It hurt my head trying to figure it out. If he wanted a commitment, why not just say so directly to me. I have been hurt a lot in the past because I assumed things that were untrue. Even with a wedding ring on my hand, I have found that sometimes people say they want things they don’t really know if they want it or not. My ex-husband taught me that. I have learned to keep my heart on a short leash and my imagination caged to the confines of reality to some degree. Did I see endless possibilities for love, happiness, a family, contentment, joy, and all my dreams to come true? Yes. Did I love him? Absolutely or else I wouldn’t be willing to risk my life to have his child. I wasn’t going to allow myself to fall into the depths of love though without some sort of guarantee. I need a safety net. I needed his assurance directly from him. I needed something tangible I could hold onto that was a promise if he wanted a commitment. Otherwise, I was quite content to just have his child and co-parent or raise the child myself with the option for him to visit whenever he liked.
It was quite clear that the last option I had offered wasn’t going to be acceptable to him. He wanted a commitment, between us, before any children would be had…and I understand why from his point of view. A child is a commitment. Of course, it is a commitment to the child, but it is supposed to be to the other parent no matter what happens except when it is a detriment to the child. I know it doesn’t work that way sometimes, but where I come from that is how it works ideally. I think he could manage that if he wanted to. I know I could. However, he didn’t see this as a commitment. He didn’t seem to understand my view on things. We went round and round until we were both exhausted. He seemed to be giving me the energy that I was putting the cart before the horse. I was just trying to be realistic given the circumstances. I don’t have time to wait three years until everyone is divorced and remarried. Nor do I want to force someone to divorce or marry me just to have children with me if they want children as badly as I do.
I do struggle in my life, but I am at a place where as I struggle, I do manage to keep my head above water. I don’t want to struggle. However, struggling for very little reason, like right now, is even worse. I feel like I could manage a child on my own fine enough even if the father is not there. I don’t want to, obviously, which is why I didn’t jump on using a sperm donor from day one. I think the child would be better off with their father around. Even if the father was not a daily presence, just having him there to talk to and learn from when he is available is vital. I just don’t understand the reluctance to come out and say, “Look, I will give you a child if you will give me some sort of commitment that you will be with me and no one else.” This hesitation is giving vibes of him being unsure he wants to do this or be with me.
Maybe he is. That’s okay, to be honest. I can’t exactly blame him for being unsure about such a huge change in his life. Even just having a child with someone, without the financial commitment, is still a huge commitment. Even I am unsure of the right path to go, but at this point, I am being herded into a narrower and narrower path whether I like it or not. It’s clear if I want a child, there may be only one sure path ahead for me. A sperm donor and single motherhood. The key here is a sure path.
I might be able to have a family with him and I might not, but I can surely have a child if I pay for it. Then it’s a matter of do I want to risk my life to have a child I know nothing about except that it is my child. Some part of me is resisting this. It says, no not really…I can find a donor that is willing to be in the child’s life at the very least. I can find someone I know and have known for a while so that I understand better how my child will be. I can find someone who wants to be a father and is upfront about it. I know I can do that at least. My heart says the commitment to one another will naturally follow if there is love, so choose someone you love to have a child and you will be happy. Having a child with someone I love is what I am hoping for at this point. It remains to be seen if that will happen though.
I was able to convey this in my dream. He seemed to agree that I was probably not seeing this too far off from his worldview, but that he wanted a commitment and that he was willing to give me a child if I gave that to him. He still seemed unable to directly commit to me verbally or with a written word. However, we left the coffee shop, at least agreeing that we both wanted children with each other, but unsure how to go about it.
We ended up at some apartment downtown, it seemed like mine, so it had to be an Airbnb or something. It was small, without much decor, and bland. It was a glorified studio, with a large front room/kitchenette in front of a door that led to my bedroom. We went into the bedroom that had a bathroom to one side and mirrored doors. The bed was huge and beautiful. Talking, laughing, kissing, and joking…I looked into his eyes and felt the world sway a bit. His arms reached around me and held me steady. We fell mouth to mouth on the bed breathlessly. We sought out the most intimate parts of one another as sounds of ecstasy escaped our lips like soft admissions of surrender to one another’s needs. We fell into a rhythm meant only for we two dancers in my bed that night. Before long, we dropped into an exhausted yet happy heap. Legs entangled, arms entwined, hair a mess, and smiles spread across both of our faces. Then sleep, heavy and peaceful, with the soft snores of lovers after an enchanting evening.
I woke, barely, as he got out of bed to leave. I could hear him getting ready and trying to quietly slip away. Part of my heart ached that he was leaving, but part of my heart sang that he would leave behind a seed. All I had to do was nurture it and turn it into a beautiful seedling. Then if I was ever so careful for nine months, I could hold my lovely little seedling, my ray of sunshine, my little prince, my pride, my joy, my angel, my bundle from heaven, and always remember his father whether his father remained in my life or not. I hoped he would want to be in our child’s life at least, but I dared not to expect anything. This thought was dancing in my head as he crept out the door and I fell back to sleep.