I’m up right now because instead of sleeping I am thinking about something I believe was meant for me which was a huge turn off. Instead of pin pointing the exact communication, I will just list my exact turn offs. Essentially, if you do any of these things I will feel icky for lack of a better word. A lot of it is situation dependent so I hope to list those. I realize these communications may not have actually been for me. However, the only way to prevent miscommunication is for it to be direct communication. EDIT: I am starting to think this was a misdirection and set up for ruining the connection. Again, direct communication can’t be confused.
Talk about sex graphically in public
You can use euphamisms, like be pasisonate, be together, spend time alone, later when we are alone, and even practice making babies. However any man that starts talking about having sex and what positions they want or what acts they want to have done or to do in public to me is an instant turn off. It makes me feel devalued. It makes me feel like they view me as a whore and they don’t care if others view me as a whore. Additionally, unless we have had sex in the past year and you talk like this to me, even in private, I will also feel like you view me like I am a whore. Unless we are actively in the act of having sex for the first time in a long time, this should never be what you do or I will instantly think that you do not value me. This will make me walk away, leave the room, or ignore you.
Alternatively, if I am having sex with a man and he can not tell me what he wants in privacy, it is also a turn off because now I am stuck in the position of trying to read his mind. This is not as bad as treating me like a whore. I will at least try various things to see if it pleases the man in this situation.
Try to convince me they are rich or have plenty of money
A rich man doesn’t have to convince you. It is self evident. You can tell by how non-worried they are and how much they don’t have to focus on money. That isn’t to say they don’t mind their money. They will mind their money and tend it closely. They may even mind it closer than a poor man. They may even bargain shop or keep track of finances closely. However, they won’t drop things like “I got half a million in the stock market ya know,” or “I could totally buy you a lambo”. I have found that guys like this are usually leveraged to their eyeballs in debt which is how they got that lambo, or they have insecurities about money and will be very miserly once you get to know them. I have had both types try to woo me in the past.
For the record, there is nothing wrong with being miserly, but acting like you have a lot of money and then being ultra tight fisted with it when you get a companion is kinda like false advertising. I am a naturally frugal person anyway, so flashing a lot of cash in my face doesn’t really turn me on since I know I can take a pittance and eek out an existence.
Rich men don’t say things when they are interested in you. They show you things. They ask what your favorite car is and then buy it with out even asking if you want it or how you would feel about such an expensive present. Why? Because they can…not saying this is the right way to a girls heart, but that’s just what they do. It’s a power move. They do it to show you that they can. A lot of women fall for that. For me, it made me feel like I was a huge burden on him because I didn’t understand how easy it was for him to do that. Now, I do understand to a degree.
Tell me how well known or famous they are
Fame does not excite me. It makes me nervous. If they are well known or famous, then I should already know who they are. Again, fame is self evident. Usually, if they are well known in their community or country, I will know who they are, if they are on my radar. Fame or being known adds an extra layer of complexity to any relationship. That is something that I must take into consideration as it relates to keeping my peace…which I value above most things. If I really love you, then yes, fame is not a block to being together. If I don’t love you, actual fame can be a block. I value my privacy. Telling me you are famous or even feeling the need to tell me you are, is a huge red flag for insecurities.
Making me lead on everything
I am not a naturally submissive woman in any sense of the word. However, I only feel the need to lead when I don’t feel I have adequate leadership in my life. This is a rule of thumb, not a hard and fast rule as some things I naturally take a leadership role regardless like my health. However, if I am forced to lead in every area of life, I will lose interest fast. I want a man who can lead and is willing to lead in at least half of our life together. I have been in charge of everything in my life, Paul’s life, my kids’ life, and my household for far too long. I have taken on the role of man and woman in my life for most of the past twenty some odd years and quite frankly I am sick of it. That’s why I am about ready to give up and just get a sperm donor…because just like everything else in life…I am used to having to manage it myself.
I would only entertain the idea of being in a new relationship if the dynamic changed. I can have a man that is completely submissive, to the point of dullness, in every facet of life right now. I could have multiple if I wanted them and it isn’t because I am pretty, rich, famous, brilliant, or even the strongest woman. It is simply because I have confidence and I take care of my own business usually. Men like that are drawn to women like me as a moth is to a flame. I hope this doesn’t come off as arrogant, but there is a certain subsection of men that really do want a strong woman in their life that takes care of all the hard things. These are the ones I am talking about. I am tired of being that woman for men. I want a man that can lead.
I deserve to feel safe and protected. I deserve to be valued enough that a man will try and put his thoughts together to lift the burden from my shoulders from time to time if we are in a comitted relationship. I deserve to be able to sit back and not worry about every little detail of life to make sure this shit show keeps rolling, especially when it isn’t just me I am taking care of. I deserve someone that can lead me without being over bearing or controlling. I think most women yearn for such men when they are mature enough, but then most women get married young when they want that guy that will be submissive.
Try to woo me without taking the time to get to know me
Paul taught me something very valuable. If a man loves you, you will be his religion. He will study every facet of you before he approaches you. He will know your favorite things and approach you with this knowledge. He will not approach until he does know almost all these things. He won’t even pretend to know you exist or let on like they are interested in you until they know something. If he still loves you over time, he will continue to know you like his religion Paul said.
Paul failed in that last bit. It’s brutal, but it’s true. I have changed over the past decade and a bit but Paul still treats me the exact same even when I expressed my needs are different now. In some aspects it’s worse and in some it is better, but mostly the same on day to day interactions. I won’t go into details, but suffice to say…we do not match each other anymore. I am no longer his religion.
This is why I don’t get angry at people holding off on contacting me for a short time after I noticed they may be interested. I realize they may be doing research on me to see if they are truly interested, have anything of value I can offer or they can offer me, and want to come in with a good and proper introduction. Taking a very long time, like years, makes me think they may not be interested unless they keep showing me they may be interested. Typically, even this does not anger me…unless they gave some sort of sign they were interested and then without even speaking to me suddenly pulled back without any explanation. Then again, if they show interest and then come in months later and are like, “I liked you but changed my mind,” it bothers me too. Best to not show interest at all unless you intend to come forward with in a short enough period of time that I don’t think your stalling, indecisive, or unsure.
That said, it doesn’t mean a man must worship you or some other such bullshit. It’s not “you are his divine one”, it’s “you are his religion”. He knows you as well as he should know the tenants of his faith is all that means. He will know your likes, dislikes, wishes, desires, dreams, feelings on some subjects, and even how to treat you to get the desired response from you. (Most people call that manipulation, but everyone does it to some degree.)
Nothing screams, “I showed up for the test without studying,” like someone trying to get me without knowing my life, what is important to me, or even my likes or dislikes. If you want me, but don’t want to know about me, why do you want me? Who I was is not who I am and it sure as hell is not who I want to be.
I constantly ask for direct communication because I want to get to know those interested in me on a personal level. This is because I actually care. It’s because I actually want to know someone. Relationships are all about knowing your partner and trying to be the best partner you can be for them. Not knowing who I am as a person now, but seeking a relationship anyway without moving towards deepening your own understanding…makes me question the entire thing. Alternatively, showing interest and not allowing me to communicate directly with you blocks me from getting to know you better which throws up red flags also. What don’t you want me to know about you?
Thoughtfulness will get you further than money, fame, a special manhood, or even being a leader will get you in my eyes. Being thoughtful costs no money. It doesn’t require any extra special skills. It doesn’t require anything more than an inquiring heart and mind with the ability to do some small and sweet gesture to show you understand the other person. It makes the other person feel seen and heard. It makes them feel valuable. It makes talking easier because you know they want to hear your words.
Ok my rant is over…hopefully now I can sleep. In short, I have two energies coming at me. At first one came off as sweet and the other apologetic. I am a sucker for sweet. Now the apologetic one comes off as smart, kind, humble, thoughtful, loving, sincere, careful, intellegent, strong, a leader, and capable. The sweet one comes off as someone that hasn’t been studying for the test and wants to keep holding off communication for some reason which only deepens my concern. I am willing to believe that either this communication was not for me or a misdirection of some sort…but the only way that happens is with direct communication to clear the air.
As I said, both of these people are wonderful humans whom would be a blessing to have in my life, but I can’t help but notice one has been paying attention to me for a very very long time which tells me something very good and important about their intentions.