Resting

I am resting,

I am surrending.

I am giving into peace.

I am meeting God and praying,

that I live up to his dream.

I did not want to go this path,

I did not want to fight.

I did not want to be his warrior,

this late in my life.

But the torment to my soul,

for ignoring his goals,

is too much.

God won.

Tonight I sleep,

tomorrow I find out the direction I am supposed to run.

It is clear my plans are for nought,

and that no matter how much I want,

to just retire in peace,

to have closure,

to live out in ease,

to enjoy the gift that is this world.

I am denied.

It feels unfair.

I had to fight my entire life,

literally hand to hand,

sometimes figuratively.

Have you ever heard of a reluctant soldier for God?

Do you think God will be pleased?

That I gave in after months and months of him pricking my concious,

telling me this is foolish,

do as I command.

No, he will not be pleased,

no matter how much I try to live up to his dream.

I waited too long,

I debated

when I should have just followed along.

Still I feel torn,

to me this doesn’t feel right,

yet if I do not act,

I feel like I am supposed to fight?

Pray for clarity for me.